I shouldn't be sitting at the computer
yet, but here I am again. I'll go back
to bed in a minute, I promise.

I'm working on the book idea. I have
ten tentative chapters and a tentative
title...

"First 3 Months: A Holistic, Realistic Look at
the First Trimester"

I'm putting up information on how to
submit your own personal stories for
the book on a web site which I'll reveal
once it is ready. (soon)

This is keeping me sane. It is also helping
me avoid preparing the paperwork for
my taxes.

Alright, alright already. I'm going back
to be in a minute.

I should have more of a sense of humor
about this whole thing like getupgrrl
at chez miscarriage.

Well, gotta go bleed.

I shouldn't be moving around.
One minute I'm healing, the
next, bleeding again.

I shouldn't be sitting at the
computer but I'm in that
obsessive mode where I must
be doing something.

I should be in bed. Healing can
be so boring.

I feel like a human being.
I feel "normal." I'm in one
piece.

My body is slowly healing,
and I feel it happening each
moment. I do feel like I've
been kicked in the belly
but my energy is back.

I can sit up at the computer
for a little while now, without
feeling a lot of pain. Just mild
discomfort. But I have been
resting, reclining, too.

Trust your body. That is the
message I keep getting. Trust
your body and believe in your
instincts.

I avoided surgery because I knew
in my heart, inside of me somehow,
that my body could take care of
things without intervention.
Without invasion.

Take charge of your health.
Take charge of your healthcare.
Ask questions. Demand answers.
Insist on tests. Read, learn,
understand. Your body is telling
you something.

I feel like my body is saying there
is something only slightly wrong,
something fixable, that they have
not found yet - because they have
not even looked. Something easy
to remedy. Something that can
be "cured." Then we can have a
baby. My body knows. It can do it.
There is just a small barrier right now.

Fix it. Find it and fix it.

I have a clean uterus.
At least that is what the doctor's
nurse said after I had an ultrasound
today.

The pain was increasing, not decreasing,
and bleeding was very steady - not
heavy but not lessening.

So I called in to get checked out. They
took my levels and then they did an
ultrasound.

It seems my body was able to expel
everything it needed to, totally on
its own. Guess I didn't need surgery
after all. Guess it was a good idea
to trust my body and let things
happen naturally. I'm glad I stuck
to my guns and went that route.

Now I'm taking Motrin. They prescribed
Tylenol with Codeine but I'm not
interested. I really don't like the idea
of pain killers. But the Motrin does
take the edge off.

I cannot sit up at the computer for
long or I start hurting. Like someone
kicked me in the gut. With boots on.

But laying down and resting seems
to do the trick.

G. is out of town and was worried
about leaving me. I told him I'd be
okay but really wasn't totally sure.
I knew that if things weren't working
out for me, he'd turn his truck around
and hurry back. He's relieved that
things are looking good.

I'm convinced my book idea is
important. I'm going to be working
on it over the next month or so and
see how it takes shape. More on that
soon.

the process:
On Tuesday, light cramps in the morning.
By midday, stronger along with nausea.
Intense and excrutiating, really.
Finally needed more pads but G.,
bless his male heart, brought the
wrong kind. Actually, the right kind
based on my description, but not
big enough. So he drove me to the
store and I hobbled down the aisles
to get bigger pads. I educated him about
sanitary napkins and we left.

I also bought saline solution. I was
told I could keep a sample of whatever
came out of me in a jar in saline to
bring to the doctor for testing.

The moment I got home, had to go
to the bathroom. Something came
out of me. I had felt it dislodge earlier,
I'm sure of it, from the left side of
my uterus (where, "coincidentally,"
a small sac was attached as viewed in
the ultrasound the previous week).

It fell into the toilet. I had no desire
to fish it out. It was there, larger than
a golf ball, nearly round. It was gone.
I told G. about it later and he said he
would have fished it out for me.
The Scientist. He said we could have
used a soup ladle. I had nightmares
about the soup ladle the next night.
"Throw it out!" I screamed. "Don't
try to wash it!"

The rest of the stuff was just the dark,
stringy blood clots of a heavy period.
Then just blood, red, bright and glossy.

Now, just blood, red sometimes, dark
sometimes. Not a whole lot, but I change
my pad every time I see it - I don't like
it there. Modern women are so used
to tampons and so unused to the sight
and feel of their own blood. We're so
"evolved" and so out of touch.

The worst of the pain and nausea lasted
about 6 hours. Last time it was 48.

the process, the process.
the body knows what needs to be done.
the mind is doing its own thing and I
have to bring it back to the process.
I keep wanting to get up and work on
the computer (here I am again) and
sitting up hurts right now.

there is no more excruciating cramping
pain, it is just a low, dull, streaking
ache across my abdomen. the bleeding
is still there - not heavy but consistent.
just blood, nothing else.

I'm using a hot water bottle for comfort,
Chinese herbs to stem the bleeding and
should be resting. I'll go back to bed in
a minute.

My book about the first trimester of
pregnancy is taking shape. This is
an important and necessary project.
I feel like I'm channeling. But I have
so much research to do.

Work is piling up but I'm going to be
diligent about working on it this weekend.
First, I have to allow myself time to heal.
I keep thinking I'm okay, and then
double over in pain. My mind cannot
fool my body.

bleeding has started - very light but
something has shifted. I had an
extemely intense reflexology treatment
yesterday by an RN who has been doing
reflexology for 20 years. she said
she has induced labor - uterine contractions -
before so seemed confident she could help.

sure enough, small cramps last night
and this morning, bleeding starting.
right now more like darkish brown
and not heavy but it is a start.

really began to feel shifting after the
accupunturist treated me Saturday and
the reflexology was the icing on the
proverbial cake of pain.

G. and I had another hormonally charged
irrational fight where I spewed out evil
words without any ability to stop. He was
so hurt and I kept trying to tell him not
to take what I was saying personally.
but it must have been like the Exorcist
movie - one minute I'm a sweet, loving
woman, the next the devil incarnate with
bile coming out of my mouth.

We finally got through it, thank goodness.
he is such a good man, I don't want to hurt
him any more than he is already hurting.
he admitted he is afraid to get me pregnant
again - to put me through this. this isn't
happening because of him - I am certain
something is slightly wrong with me and I
know it can be fixed - if they will only pay
attention.

doing everything to give Mother
Nature a nudge. Had reflexology
including a lesson for G. and me on
how to administer it properly.

had a full body massage to de-stress
and more reflexology followed by
a consultation with a Chinese herbalist
and accupuncturist who did a treatment
and gave me some herbs.

have had light cramping, very light.
just feeling overall drained. not happy
about anything at the moment.

trying to mentally let go of everything.
my brain is like a sieve when I want
to remember things and like a vice
when I want to forget.

I'm thinking there are things happening
on another level, a spiritual level, which
I never have wanted to be in touch with.
Not religious - definitely not that. But
some things are resonating with me,
things that make sense more spiritually
than intellectually.

the most recent thing is the woman who
trained us in some reflexology techniques
is also a minister for some sort of metaphysical
type church. She was very comforting and
said something that had profound meaning
and effect.

she said that when her daughter miscarried
(3 miscarriages, 4 children), she told her
daughter that maybe that was all the time
that particular soul needed to be on earth -
those few weeks - before it was ready to
move on. And it helped her accept the loss,
knowing the soul got exactly what it needed.

well, it all ties in with things like reincarnation
and what is the soul and things like that - things
that I don't think about much at all but do have
a particular set of beliefs that is neither based
on one religion or anything I've been taught.
somehow, it just made sense based on my
own personal beliefs. It was a bit of a
revelation and a relief in some way.

Now I have to just let it go - not cling
to it. Let my body let it go. I hate not
being in control. I sure am not a fan of
pain. But that is what is in store for me
and it must be a lesson I have to learn.

tomorrow I'll get my most recent levels.
as far as the doctor and I are concerned,
we know that with levels dropping, all
signs point to a non-viable pregnancy.
but G. wants to hold out until tomorrow
morning just in case, holding out hope.
gotta love that man.

I'm feeling just sick, physically and
emotionally. Physically headache,
nausea, bloaty, achey. Emotionally
drained, sad, pained.

I want to help this process along so
I'm not waiting 2-3 weeks for my
body to expel everything. Maybe a
little reflexology and someone said
lots of Vitamin C. Interesting.

Want to avoid anything invasive.
But don't have a lot of time to
wait and see.

my levels are going down.
5810 as of yesterday afternoon.
that pretty much confirms that
this isn't going to work out.
we'll try again - maybe just
one more time. maybe 3rd time
will be the charm, as they say.

tomorrow they will do an ultrasound
to make sure everything is actually
in the uterus (and not in the fallopian
tube or somewhere errant ie. an
ectopic pregnancy).

as long as it is in the uterus, I guess
it becomes a waiting game - when will
my body expel everything.

I think they could go in and do a
d&c which is essentially scraping
the uterus and cleaning it out.
but I'd rather not do anything
invasive.

Now I just have to brace myself
for what comes next. Last time,
the pain was bad, the bleeding
worse, and the emotional side
even worse than that. I was given
some heavy duty pain killers but
really didn't want to take them.
I have a fear of pills in general,
much less powerful ones. So I just
gutted it out.

I'm going to start a new book project
about the first trimester. I'm convinced
that women in their first trimester,
particularly first pregnancies, are
all but ignored by medical practitioners,
probably because this time is so volatile.

And the books out there, particularly
the month by month books, make the
assumption that everything is fine and
will be fine so "here are the symptoms
you should be feeling" - very general,
formulaic and totally inadequate.

That should keep me busy.

I finally feel like I'm not a crazy woman.
When I went in for my prenatal screening
labwork this afternoon, I told them how
I was feeling and how my HCG levels
were "lower than they would have
expected" last week.

The women in the lab shook their heads.
"Then why are they having you do a prenatal
screening right now? It is a waste of money."

Then they went to ask one of the doctors who
looked at my chart and my levels and said
"I wouldn't be doing a prenatal screening
on her. I'd check her levels again today and
then in 48 hours to see where they're at."

Yes. That is what I would have thought.
But after all my questions and requests,
I was beginning to feel like maybe I was
out of control.

But now, finally, someone listened to me
and are doing something that makes total
sense. Why do entire prenatal screenings
if there is a chance the HCG levels are
too low to sustain the pregnancy at this
stage or are dropping?

By tomorrow, I'll know a little better if
my levels are okay and by Thursday,
I will know even more. Then, we can take
it from that point. This makes sense.

Talk about relief. This still doesn't mean
I'm doing okay pregnancy-wise, but it
will tell me more definitively if it is a
go or an end to this one.

That is all I really want to know.

another day of feeling nothing unusual.
other than discharge.
yes, you're reading a pregnancy
journal so you'll have to get used
to those kinds of things.

After searching books for discharge
and finding entries that any discharge
is not a good sign, I finally found several
books that said that as long as the discharge
is clearish, then it is very normal,
throughout pregnancy.

of course, that helpful information was in
the 4th month section of the books and
since I'm in my 2nd month, I never
came across it in my voracious reading
about the first trimester.

I'm halfway between the "I'm prepared
for this one not working out" and "I'm
prepared for this all to be fine" - I can
go either way now, emotionally.

I'd rather know exactly what is up - if
there is a fetal heartbeat - so will hopefully
get the ultrasound this or next week to
determine.

If there isn't, I'm going to at least be
prepared for the inevitable. No more
surprises on that front.

Symptom check:
some twinges and discharge
breasts are not sore
abdomen is not distended
queasy is so mild as to almost be nothing

took a walk yesterday and it packed
a wallop. nothing strenuous or long,
a flat road and a casual stroll with
all the dogs. But it was at 8000 feet,
and I'm living at 7200 so there was
some elevation difference. Not sure
if that was enough to affect me.

But within an hour, my legs felt like
they were hollowed out and stiff.
impossible to walk normally. Like I had
run a marathon and my muscles no
longer responded. Not painful, but
definitely not normal.

I'm taking it easy today, staying in
bed and working on some projects
that I can bring to bed with me, like
grading papers and laying out a
brochure on the computer.

legs feel a little wobbly today but nothing
like last night.

had a nice valentine's dinner at the
local vegetarian restaurant. watched
a movie at home. was depressed all
day so I opted for a comedy - something
I never rent because I prefer action/
adventure. "Bruce Almighty" - Jim
Carrey is a little over the top, but last
night, his humor and the theme of the
movie were just the right medicine.

depression - trying to pinpoint. mood
swing? hormones? I think it has to do
with the fact that in 1993, around
valentine's day, I had an abortion.
In hindsight, it was the right and wrong
decision, but regardless, it creeps into
my psyche every once in a while,
and always around valentine's day.

Now I'm pregnant during the same
timeframe, and also, by freaky coincidence,
during this 2nd attempt at pregnancy,
I'm just about at the exact same
time as I was in my pregnancy back
then when it happened. A little over
7 weeks.

Let's see if this one lasts. Maybe this
one is supposed to in some symbolic
way. OK, my mind is in la-la land.
Must be the hormones. But hey, you
never know.

I've tried to be less obsessive. Yes, a
challenge for me, I know, but it seems
to be working.

I'll have my first official prenatal lab work
done Monday, then my first prenatal exam
Thursday of next week.

Then I'll sign up for the Quad Screening
in March (for genetic defects).

Other than that, I'm feeling pretty normal.
A smidge queasy when I haven't eaten for
a few hours - like right now - so I better go
get some yogurt or cottage cheese.

Still uncomfortable at night - it is this strange,
non-specific discomfort that just makes me
toss and turn which is highly unusual for me.
G. says I am usually the most peaceful, quiet
and still sleeper he has ever known. But right
now, with all my sighing and rolling over and
whimpering, that isn't the case.

Still rubbing natural progesterone cream on
my belly in the morning and at night. Who
knows if it is helping.

Relax, mellow.

I did figure out that the midwife was
not miscalculating. Her gestation wheel
was figuring differently than one that
I had. I found a second one at the house
and it corresponded with her initial
estimate - that on Thursday when
I had the last levels done, I was on
the first day of my 6th week. My other
wheel said middle of the 5th. So the levels
were probably on the low side.

whatever.
don't dwell.

yesterday, I was feeling pretty
normal. a little tired. but nothing
too unusual.

when I don't eat frequently, I do
get a little queasy and dizzy, so
I try to eat something the moment
those feelings come on.

one day the boobs hurt, the
next day they don't. one day they
look like someone else's breasts,
the next day, they look like the
ones I remember having all these
years.

I opted not to have the ultrasound
yet. I'll wait until the 8 week checkup.
I'm finally feeling like it isn't any use
checking on anything - it will all either
work out or not work out, nothing I
can do at this stage will make much
of a difference.

Today, I felt totally normal all day,
although I woke up very early in the
morning feeling almost nauseas, but
ate a ginger snap and saltine and
it subsided. Was it wishful nausea?

Last night and the night before, I could
not get comfortable all night long.
Tried my right side - not comfortable.
My stomach - not comfortable.
My back - not comfortable. Even the
left side, which is the one you are
supposed to get used to sleeping on,
was simply not comfortable no matter
what I did.

symptom check:
tired
breasts a little sore

that's about it for now.
taking the "wait and see"
attitude.

there is a possibility that the midwife
was calculating my pregnancy based on
an incorrect date I originally put in my
records when I went to see them for
the first time - the "getting to know you
but I'm not pregnant yet" visit.

I had forgotten to record the first day
of my last period (December) and could
not remember when it was. So I put
Dec 19, my birthday, but later realized
that was totally wrong.

I told this to the midwife once I was
pregnant and she said they'd change
that date. I estimated it was probably
Christmas Day ie. Dec 25.

Well, last week, Thursday, I had my
levels done and she specifically said
that I was not at the levels she would
expect for 6 weeks.

Then she ordered an ultrasound for
Tuesday, for my "peace of mind," she
said.

Well, this morning, I began calculating
in my head - not the best way to wake
up in the morning because numbers
give me a headache - but I was beginning
to think that she may have been using
the old date.

I could be wrong, however, based on a
little "pregnancy wheel" that I received
the last time I was pregnant, if the
first day of my last period was Dec 19,
then on Thursday of last week, I would have
been toward the end of my 6th week,
ie. levels would be somewhere between
1,080 - 56,500.

But I know I did not start my period
on my birthday. So if the first day of
my last period was Dec 25, then on
Thursday when they took my levels,
I was still in my 5th week, at the tail
end. Levels for that time period are...
19 - 7,340. So at 7000, I was at the
upper end.

My 6th week, then, would start around
Friday, the day after I had the levels
done.

Now I don't want to get hopeful or
worried or anything. But there is a
possibility that the midwife was simply
calculating based on a wrong date.

I'm thinking I do not want the ultrasound.
Most importantly, because if I were to see
the flickering heartbeat, confirming life,
then I were to miscarry, I think it would be
too much emotionally for me to bear.
Right now, it isn't "real" in a way - just
a process that is happening. I am better
off waiting until my 8th or 9th week when
I have my first actual checkup.

Also, ultrasounds are invasive (ie. this
is intra-vaginal, not abdominal), so I'd
rather keep the invasion to a minimum
at this early stage.

All this, on a Sunday morning.

according to one chart I found online,
6 weeks should have an HCG level
of about 1,080 - 56,500. Now that is
quite a big range. I need to see what
else is out there.

The midwife called to say my HCG level
is 7000 - not as high as she would think
for 6 weeks. Then she suggested I get
an ultrasound next week at the hospital.
Not that she felt anything was wrong but
for my peace of mind. She said at
6 weeks or so, they can see the flutter
of a heartbeat.

I hope.

Scheduled for next Tuesday.

I want higher levels.

awaiting levels. feeling quite normal.
not sure if normal is good or not.

woke up this morning feeling like I had
run a marathon overnight. even just
laying there, not moving, made me a
little out of breath.

went to my exercise class - trying to
keep up the fitness. blend of yoga
and pilates. I think it will be very helpful
to continue this type of fitness regime
as time goes on.

cautiously optimistic is the term I use
for how I'm feeling at this early stage.
curious about what my body and mind
are going through.

welcome to my pregnancy rollercoaster.

I'm awaiting the results from today's
HCG level blood test, and the more I
read and after speaking to the midwife,
I'm sure that everything is fine.

Am I always this obsessed with information?
Yes, I believe so. I just want to understand,
I told the midwife. She was commenting on
how the first trimester is so unpredictable
and difficult to control which is hard for
people who like to control other parts of
their lives.

hmmmm - am I a control freak? I just
want to understand what is going on
with my body, I said, feeling as if I was
a control freak in denial.

I don't really obsess 24/7 over every
twinge and surge. Sometimes, I don't
even remember being pregnant and
just go about my business. I just want
it to work out this time, that's all.

I hate failure.

here are my levels based on 3 previous tests
every 48+ hours:

Jan 26 Mon - HCG 711 / Prog 33.7

Jan 28 Wed - HCG 1920 / Prog 33.1

Jan 30 Fri - HCG 3400 / Prog 28.1

let's see what we have now.

symptom check:
no sore breasts
cramping throughout the night/early a.m.
but no spotting...

Not sure what any of this means but
I'm going to see if I can get another
blood test today just to check how my
hormone levels correlate with symptoms.
I want data.

Worried about the cramping but the
more I read, the more it seems that
as long as the cramping is not
accompanied by bleeding, then it
could be normal around this time.

Supposedly, sometimes women feel
cramps around the time their next
period is supposed to happen from
changing hormones and uterine
stretching. Sounds logical to me.

And since I have not spotted yet,
I take that as a good sign, but having
data makes me feel better.

from http://www.beyondfertility.com/hpmsfaq.htm

Can natural progesterone be used during a pregnancy?�

In his book, "Premenstrual Syndrome & You", Neils H. Lauersen, M.D., from Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, states that natural progesterone may be helpful to maintain pregnancy.

The cream in not only safe for use during pregnancy but is recommended. From conception to delivery, apply primarliy to abdomen, breast, low back, and upper thighs (where it will tend to prevent the skin from stretching).

For the first six months of pregnancy, use an average of 1/2 to 3/4 teaspoon 2 to 3 times a day. Discontinue at delivery and resume again at a level of twice per day starting one month after delivery. The cream is also useful for post-partum depression, which many women experience after childbirth.�

symptom check
woke up with mild cramping,
lower abdomen.

took a morning walk. G. and I had
been walking an hour each morning
but stopped about a week ago or
so due to schedules.

this walk knocked me for a loop.
way too exhausted from it - should
take it easier next time.

supposedly some of that exhaustion
during exertion comes from the
increased blood volume in the body
during pregnancy making it harder
to get oxygen into the system.

today, I've been worrying just a little
that my breasts don't hurt as much
as they did over the last few days.

every little symptom seems magnified
or de-magnified.

so I bought some progesterone cream.
a midwife in the next town had recommended
it and even though the one here doesn't
"believe in it," supposedly it cannot harm
but could (possibly) help.

From http://www.natureswoman.com/NPandPregnancy.asp

Natural progesterone is the closest thing to the progesterone produced by the body. In fact, natural progesterone, produced by a several step process involving the Mexican Wild Yam, is bio-identical to the hormone produced by the human body.

To recap, here are some of the reported benefits of natural progesterone related to pregnancy:

* Counters the effects of estrogen
* Aids in conception
* Aids in the attachment of the placenta
* Aids in the health of the fetus
* Clears the skin
* Produces healthier hair
* Increases muscle tone

According to Dr. John R Lee, the international authority on natural progesterone, many side effects plague the synthetic versions created by the pharmaceutical companies. These synthetic versions are known as: Synthetic progesterone, progestins and Progesterone Acetate. There are no reports of any significant side effects when using natural progesterone.

All reports of natural progesterone causing significant ill side effects, upon further investigation, have been revealed as a synthetic progestin erroneously reported as natural progesterone.

Here is a quote from Dr. Lee about the effects of progesterone: "We know that transdermal progesterone is very affective, very convenient, and very safe. Overdoses do not hurt anybody. They might mess up somebody's period, it could cause the period to change as to when it comes in the month."

From http://www.webwomb.com/hpt_levels_hcg_levels.htm

How Pregnancy Is Detected
When a women becomes pregnant her body starts to produce a hormone called HcG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) this hormone is what is detected in both urine and blood based tests to give a positive pregnancy result.� This page gives an average range of HcG levels found in � pregnant women at 10 - 22 days past ovulation.� We have also provided at what level the hormone can be detected in some of the more popular HPT's (Home Pregnancy Tests).��

HcG Levels
HcG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) is a hormone that is produced by the embryo when its starts to implant itself into the uterine lining (implantation) and begins to grow.� This occurs approximately� 6-10 days after conception.� As it grows, the amount of HcG increases and doubles about every three days.� The purpose of HcG is to keep the estrogen and progesterone levels at their appropriate levels until the placenta has developed enough to take this function over.� HcG levels will reach as high as almost 300,000 mIU/ml (level) and will peak out at� 10 - 12 weeks.�

From http://www.fertilethoughts.net/ft/pregnancy/betachart.html

Beta hCG Levels

This chart represents the ranges of hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) considered within "normal" range in a Beta hCG test, a blood pregnancy test.

Noticeably there is a very wide scope of "normal" amounts of hCG.� For this reason, Beta hCG tests are most useful when they are done in repetition. Beta hCG levels of a pregnant woman should double every 2 or 3 days for the first few months of pregnancy. Therefore if a repeat hCG test shows a rise in numbers, it indicates a normal healthy pregnancy, whereas any hCG level that fails to increase significantly in 2 or 3 days may indicate trouble in the pregnancy.


The beta numbers in chart should be used only as a guideline and are not the final word on the status of your pregnancy. The results of your blood tests should always be discussed with your physician.

An HCG level of less than 5 mIU/ml generally indicates not pregnant.

Week from Last Menstrual Period (LMP)	Amount of HCG in mIU/ml
3	5 - 50
4	3 - 426
5	19 - 7,340
6	1,080 - 56,500
7 - 8	7,650 - 229,000
9 - 12	25,700 - 288,000
13 - 16	13,300 - 254,000
17 - 24	4,060 - 165,400
25 - 40	3,640 - 117,000

OK, levels from Friday were
HCG 3400
Progesterone 28.1
I'm going to find a chart online that
has level ranges. There has to be
something that I can use as a
guideline.

Today, taught another 4 hour class
in the next town over - tired. Moments
of feeling a little faint but nothing too
dangerous. Tired.

my HCG levels doubled again. don't have
numbers in front of me - will get later.
cannot sleep. too much stuff on my
mind. some financial issues, some
work issues but mostly wondering about
this altered state my body is in and
thinking about it lasting for 9 months.
what a big undertaking. this is something
I've wanted for a long time but the
reality of it has yet to fully sink in and
as it seeps into my brain, my thoughts
go into overdrive. I know I'm not the first
woman in the world to get pregnant, but
it sure feels like it. you'd think I've
discovered something so new and mysterious
that modern medicine hasn't yet figured it
all out. Actually, modern medicine hasn't
figure any of this stuff out.

The Certified Nurse Midwife says the HCG
levels look good and we don't have to check
again unless I want to. At $90 per test, it
can quickly become cost prohibitive until
I meet my deductible. I want data but don't
want to be obsessed. I have to pry the actual
numbers out of her and the HCG sounds
good. But what about the Progesterone?
I have to pry those numbers out of her,
too, especially after she hesitates and says
"they look...good. within the range."

But they are now 28 something. Didn't
I start out at 31 something? She says it
doesn't mean anything because it is still
totally within the high normal range.
She then says they really don't know
what it means but that it isn't bad.
The more I ask questions, the more
everyone admits to me they have really
very little clue how all this stuff works.
They don't even really know what makes
a woman get morning sickness.

I had read it was "progesterone" sickness
in several books. The CNM says it is a
reaction to the HCG levels. Another book
I just read said it could be the body trying
to reject the fetus but that sounds a little
extreme. But what century and what year
are we in and there is still little if anything
known about this whole pregnancy thing?

Symptom check:
some queasiness (managed with crackers)
some dizziness (I taught a 4 hour class
and by the 3rd hour, I just wanted to curl
up and sleep)
really sore breasts (I can't carry things against
my chest)

I picked up a new book - filling my need
for information. It is called "Pregnancy Sucks"
and seems to push past the "oh this is a
glorious time" and is a bit more direct
about the yuck stuff. It actually is a fun
read so far - the author was 35 when she
wrote it so it feels more like a contemporary
sharing the real deal.

I don't have any girlfriends here who have
been pregnant so this is a big mystery to
us all. My girlfriends on the East Coast who
have been pregnant haven't been for at
least a year now. They are so far away.

Reading books seems to be my comfort.
Writing in here helps too.

Of course, middle of the night missives
aren't going to do me any good. I better
get back to bed and hope my brain
activity settles down.

Oh, I also read for the first time that
congestion is a very common symptom
of pregnancy. Although I think that I'm
getting over a cold, that was an interesting
thing to learn. I read it in two books at
the bookstore today - not in the ones
I already have. Isn't there one book that
has everything?

maybe I'm having wishful nausea,
I'm not sure, but I have been feeling
a bit queasy this afternoon and evening.
more pronounced in between meals.

so far, no spotting which is good. I'm at
about 5 weeks 4 days, give or take a day.
I can't believe I'm hoping I get queasier.
I'd take it as a good sign.