Days of Fear and Panic

Had a terribly restless sleep last night. Very non-specific uncomfortableness, every position I tossed or turned into seemed...dangerous. I was certain I was killing the embryo somehow by the way my body was twisted.

This morning, I didn't feel pregnant. Maybe I did, but I couldn't coax a sore boob or bit of queasiness out of my body. I was saddened by this, and G. was concerned. But I didn't want to call my RE in a panic because I felt like I was being hysterical.

All day, I haven't felt as pregnant as the day before. My girlfriend who is in the 5th month of a textbook pregnancy said there were days in her first trimester when she thought to herself "Am I really pregnant?" so it must be normal. But for a woman who miscarries, a lack of strong, definitive symptoms is a huge red flag with warning lights.

Still, I hesitated doing anything about it because I do not want to be the girl who cried "Wolf."

Then this afternoon, I layed down for a little nap and dozed deeply. Then my right boob started to feel tender again. Then the left. Then I felt a wave of nausea and did not want to eat for fear it would go away. Then I finally ate because I shouldn't be starving the alien and the nausea subsided.

So now I'm feeling sorta pregnant. Tomorrow I go in for progesterone levels again and another shot. Then Friday will be the 3rd sonogram.

My big fears right now (and tell me if I'm crazy):

1. Lying on my stomach will kill it.

2. Lying on my back will kill it.

3. Lying on my side and then putting one leg over the other so my torso is twisted will kill it.

4. Eating certain kinds of foods will kill it. (Like peas and mushrooms)

5 Forgetting to drink water will kill it. (Because dehydration can cause uterine contractions).

6. Having sex will kill it.

7. Taking a hot shower will kill it.

8. Handling doggie meds (like Phenobarbitol and Prednisone) will kill it.

9. Picking up doggie poop and cleaning up doggie pee will kill it.

10. Smelling or touching household cleaners will kill it.