miscarriage blog: babyfruit - the miscarriage diaries

miscarriage obsessions, celebrity miscarriage, miscarriage in the news...survival for the miscarrying woman. For complete blog, go to Babyfruit.com

3/29/2004

I'm posting now on my new blog at
http://babyfruit.typepad.com/baby.
Much nicer interface and features. See you there!

3/25/2004

I'm still having pain/discomfort.
Sort of a U shape at my lower abdomen,
a smiley if it wasn't such a pain.

Making an appointment next week but
not sure with whom. Doctor? OB/gyn?
Naturopath? Who could really help me?

Staining, brownish discharge, which usually
means the bleeding is tapering off but
hasn't totally stopped. It has been a month
since the miscarriage.

3/23/2004

walked again today. felt much
better. still weak - and I hate to
be weak - but that comes with
the territory.

my fake period is almost over.
but just when I think the bleeding
has stopped for a day, there it
is again. enough already, let's
get on to being healthy and normal,
shall we?

had a massage today - I believe in
the preventative benefits of
therapeutic massage. And I've
had a rough month so I deserve
it. And I'm worth it.

feeling a lot of pent up anger.
maybe I need a punching bag.
don't want to take it out
on G.

got a chance to focus on something
other than myself. yesterday, our
little chihuahua Pancho got very
sick. In pain, abdomen tight and
very tender, not his usual perky
self. Screamed out when G. felt
his belly. I know how you feel,
Pancho. I want to scream, too, even
though physically I am no longer
in pain.

took him to the vet - he ate something
bad for him like a granola bar or
something. his liver enzymes were
elevated. we went home with
antibiotics and stomach medicine.
today, he is halfway back to being
himself. yeah, I know how he feels.
now give me medicine and make this
all better.

3/22/2004

Feeling almost normal. Still.
But did go for a walk today.
Not the usual hour-long that
G. and I were doing before
I was pregnant, but a good start.

Still bleeding a little, like a period
tapering off. A fake period as in
I did not ovulate but am bleeding.
Now if my period starts up again
in 28 days from the first day I
started bleeding, then we're
back on track.

I had my checkup on March 18
with the doctor. Here is pretty
much how it went based on the
written questions I had.

1. Both pregnancies began having
trouble in the 6th or 7th week.
How could this be? Coincidence?
Pattern of something and if so,
what?

ANSWER: No way of knowing for sure.
Basically, I was told that these things
happen. It was most likely a genetic
defect but that I'm looking for answers
where there are none.

2. I've been thinking that my progesterone
levels may have been low. Should I take
a supplement next time I get pregnant.

ANSWER: It is difficult to show or prove
that it would help. But it can't hurt.
If I wanted to be on progesterone,
they could arrange it.

3. Are there any tests I should have done
right now to see if there is anything
physically wrong with me? Echohysterogram
or Hysteroscopy to see the uterus inside,
see if there are any abnormalities?

ANSWER: The first test to be done would
be a saline infusion sonohysterogram
where saline is infused into the uterus
through the cervix and viewed. The only
thing they could see is if there were
adhesions (scarring) or fibroids. They could
do that if I wanted. He began to emphasize
that these tests cost money and could be
a waste of money and time, not showing
anything and not getting me closer to
the answers I want.

4. How soon can I try to get pregnant again?

ANSWER: After a normal period. Since this
one was not a normal period ie. without
ovulation, it is best to wait until the next one.

5. Should I get a PAP smear because I had
an abnormal one a year ago and never had
conclusive results that it was normal again?

ANSWER: An abnormal PAP smear would not
interfere with pregnancy or cause miscarriage.
However, once I'm pregnant again, they will
do one as a matter of course.

6. Should I see the reproductive endocrinologist
he mentioned in our last visit?

ANSWER: I can if I want. (He seemed annoyed
that I would want to and began listing the
things he would do to me - invasive and
expensive - to make a pregnancy happen and
implied he was good for becoming pregnant
but not staying pregnant. My problem has
not been infertility.)

7. Are there other books or resources he
could recommend that I read?

ANSWER: He has a few pamphlets but
has not books to recommend. He had never
read the book "How to Prevent Miscarriage
and Other Crisis of Pregnancy" by
Dr. Stefan Semchyshyn. He said that he
only read medical journals and implied
that these other books were questionable.
He did recommend going to the
American College of ObGYN's web site.

8. Is there any place locally I can go
for emotional support for pregnancy loss?

ANSWER: He suggested I should be careful
where I go for support (I think he was still
disturbed that I was getting my info from
a book from the library). He said that I
am looking for answers that I will never
be able to get. He did not recommend or
refer me to any help or support group.


He also mentioned that they found a 1 centimeter
fibroid in the left fundal region of my uterus during
the ultrasound from last month but did not
seem the least bit concerned due to the small
size and position. "As long as it is not near the
lining, it won't be a problem." Of course, he
had no actual idea whether it was near the
lining or not because he didn't go over to
see it.

Does any of this freak you out? Or am I
just a wee bit paranoid?

3/18/2004

went to my followup checkup.
there are no answers to most of
my questions - and the information
I'm getting is the same that I read
in books from 1979. spooky.

I'm bleeding again but it is like
a period without cramping - just
mild uncomfortableness. It is like
a fake period.

Supposedly, it is safe to use tampons
now - 3 weeks after the miscarriage.
I'll use them sparingly but they are
sure a lot better than pads. ugh.

more details and ranting later.
just checking in to say I'm feeling
pretty good - not good enough to
resume my exercise but almost.
almost.

3/11/2004

after spotting and staining a little every
day for last week or so, and just as it was
tapering off, suddenly, lots of bright red
blood. by lots, I mean more than spotting
or staining but less than soaking through
a pad.

still, it was a big, unwelcome surprise.

I called the women's clinic and the nurse
assured me it was normal - that I was still
expelling more stuff out of my uterus.
I thought that had been done with before.

have since had mild, uncomfortable cramps.
not severe pain but weird, twinges and tweaks
and plucking feelings.

tapered off last night. then this morning,
again, more bright red blood. this afternoon
passed a piece of matter. Matter looks different
than a clot, and I think I'm able to tell the
difference.

when will this end? I want to exercise, go
for long walks in the morning, stop wearing
pads, be myself again.

will go for a levels check blood test on Monday
to make sure my HCG is zero. then will go
Thursday for my followup checkup and some
testing.

3/08/2004

After reading "The DaVinci Code," I've become
obsessed with the truth about Mary Magdalene
and the Holy Grail mythology. This isn't a
religion-inspired interest but more a
feeling that I'm discovering a historical
basis for the removal of the feminine
from our fundamental teachings, religions,
power structure, etc.

The reason I bring this up is because I feel
there is a fundamental flaw in our medical
systems and institutions that negate the
feminine. As a woman experiencing very
female events in my life (pregnancy,
miscarriage), I am stunned, shocked,
at how horrible I'm treated. There seems
to be a complete disregard for my female
experience - even by the women medical
practitioners.

I think in this blog I've touched on several
times where I felt all but ignored. Not just
ignored, but treated as if I were a freak.
I literally yelled at the receptionist at
the women's clinic where I've been going
and told her "you treat those of us who
are pregnant as if we are freaks!" Although
slightly hormonally charged (this is when
my HCG levels began dropping), the
statement still rings true today, when my
hormones are pretty much back to "normal."

The most recent incident - 2 weeks ago -
that was yet another way that medical
practitioners are incredibly negligent
with their female patients - totally
ignoring our emotions and vulnerability
during these precarious times - is when
the radiology technician - a woman -
was performing an intravaginal ultrasound
on me.

For those of you not lucky enough to
have one of these fun procedures done
on them, it consists of a device wrapped
in a condom - much like a long, narrow
dildo (not that I own one, mind you,
but just go with the imagery) - is inserted
into a woman's vagina. Most technicians
are trained to hand the device to the
woman and say "insert this like you would
a tampon."

This woman started to reach down to
insert it and I immediately reached down
to do it myself. "Oh yeah, you can do it,"
she said. Damn straight, I thought, woman
or not, you aren't putting that thing in me
when I can do it myself. (Note: Taking charge
of my healthcare.)

Then she performed the ultrasound
and decided she was going to check with
someone else who could read the results
quickly. So she left me in the room in
search of this other person. She left me
in the room with the device still inserted
in me. Okay, you may be thinking - what
is the big deal?

Talk about disempowering. Talk about
invasive. Talk about inconsiderate. She
could have just as easily withdrawn the
device, set it aside, then I could have
reinserted it if she needed more pictures.

And one minute, I'm taking charge of
things being inserted into my body,
and the next, I'm paralyzed again. That
strange patient paralysis (not just exclusively
a female thing but certainly a female trait).
I did nothing. I sat there with this thingy
in me. I was humiliated. Angry. Frustrated.
Embarassed. Pissed off at myself for not
just removing it - for just sitting there
like an idiot.

That, to me, is yet another example of
a total carelessness for women in the
medical environment. Respect for the
feminine, for the female, is totally wiped
out of the picture.

Maybe it is respect for the human. Maybe
some guy will tell me about the time a
medical practitioner left the room with
some device protruding from his private
parts. And that he was humiliated,
disempowered, angry. I am not claiming
it is just a female experience.

However, I do believe that if there was
more respect for the fundamental
feminine ways, even men would get
better treatment - more nurturing,
more honoring, more empathetic.

Anyway, this is my rant for the day.
I should be working on other projects
but had to post this commentary along
with some links to books I've read or
will be reading soon. All part of this
exploration of how the sacred feminine
was removed from the equation over
2000 years ago and how our society
has been suffering ever since.

Non-Fiction

The Woman with the Alabaster Jar: Mary Magdalene and the Holy Grail - Margaret Starbird

The Goddess in the Gospel: Reclaiming the Sacred Feminine - Margaret Starbird

Magdalene's Lost Legacy: Symbolic Numbers and the Sacred Union of Christianity - Margaret Starbird

Holy Bood, Holy Grail - Michael Baigent, et. al.

Novels

The DaVinci Code - Dan Brown

The Red Tent - Anita Diamant

3/05/2004

back from an out-of-town trip.
felt nearly normal which was
a great relief. you never realize
what normal feels like until you
don't feel it. then when you do,
normal actually feels unfamiliar!

still spotting but not bleeding.
still have pangs/aches mostly
on the left side (of my uterus).

went for a morning walk with
G. and the dogs. a slow, leisurely
pace but you've got to start
somewhere.

sometimes, it is like after the cast
has come off a broken bone (so
I've been told since I've never
broken a bone): you limp or favor
the limb even though it is healed,
partly because you don't trust that
it will be okay. you are waiting for
it to break again.

that's the feeling I have right now.
waiting for the bleeding to start up
again or for the pain to return.

physically, it is fading. emotionally,
it is right at the surface, always ready
to bubble over. spiritually, there is
some damage there. it doesn't make me
question my beliefs in whatever the
heck it is that I believe in - it just
feels like there is a gash in my spirit,
a tear that leaves me vulnerable.

writing can help to heal these
invisible wounds.

3/02/2004

I'm one degree away from feeling back
to normal. But that one degree is a
bitch. Every time I'm certain things
are okay, I feel pain again or start to
bleed again. But today, I feel like
"me," or whatever "me" is like after
a second miscarriage.

G. is back from a weekend away, and
it is good to have him here. I try not
to feel like a burden, and he is so
willing to help. Being in a solid
relationship has been crucial to my
"quick" recovery, I'm sure.

I leave this afternoon for an out-of-state
trip. That was the main reason why I
nudged my body into the whole process
last week. I was afraid my body was
going to wait until this week, and
then I'd be alone, out of town, in a
hotel room when things happened.

This way, I'm past the worst of it,
and although I hate to leave right
now, I'm much stronger and on the
mend.

Emotionally - it is all tucked away
inside. Working on my book project
is helpful. Things bubble up to the
surface but I keep them at bay.
It is my own little control game.
If I cannot control my body, then
I will control my emotions.

G. and I talk about things, though,
which is good. He told me it made
him sad, too. Of course I knew that
but having him express his feelings
to me is overwhelmingly a good thing.

Sad. I don't want to be sad. But
there it is.