my HCG levels doubled again. don't have
numbers in front of me - will get later.
cannot sleep. too much stuff on my
mind. some financial issues, some
work issues but mostly wondering about
this altered state my body is in and
thinking about it lasting for 9 months.
what a big undertaking. this is something
I've wanted for a long time but the
reality of it has yet to fully sink in and
as it seeps into my brain, my thoughts
go into overdrive. I know I'm not the first
woman in the world to get pregnant, but
it sure feels like it. you'd think I've
discovered something so new and mysterious
that modern medicine hasn't yet figured it
all out. Actually, modern medicine hasn't
figure any of this stuff out.

The Certified Nurse Midwife says the HCG
levels look good and we don't have to check
again unless I want to. At $90 per test, it
can quickly become cost prohibitive until
I meet my deductible. I want data but don't
want to be obsessed. I have to pry the actual
numbers out of her and the HCG sounds
good. But what about the Progesterone?
I have to pry those numbers out of her,
too, especially after she hesitates and says
"they look...good. within the range."

But they are now 28 something. Didn't
I start out at 31 something? She says it
doesn't mean anything because it is still
totally within the high normal range.
She then says they really don't know
what it means but that it isn't bad.
The more I ask questions, the more
everyone admits to me they have really
very little clue how all this stuff works.
They don't even really know what makes
a woman get morning sickness.

I had read it was "progesterone" sickness
in several books. The CNM says it is a
reaction to the HCG levels. Another book
I just read said it could be the body trying
to reject the fetus but that sounds a little
extreme. But what century and what year
are we in and there is still little if anything
known about this whole pregnancy thing?

Symptom check:
some queasiness (managed with crackers)
some dizziness (I taught a 4 hour class
and by the 3rd hour, I just wanted to curl
up and sleep)
really sore breasts (I can't carry things against
my chest)

I picked up a new book - filling my need
for information. It is called "Pregnancy Sucks"
and seems to push past the "oh this is a
glorious time" and is a bit more direct
about the yuck stuff. It actually is a fun
read so far - the author was 35 when she
wrote it so it feels more like a contemporary
sharing the real deal.

I don't have any girlfriends here who have
been pregnant so this is a big mystery to
us all. My girlfriends on the East Coast who
have been pregnant haven't been for at
least a year now. They are so far away.

Reading books seems to be my comfort.
Writing in here helps too.

Of course, middle of the night missives
aren't going to do me any good. I better
get back to bed and hope my brain
activity settles down.

Oh, I also read for the first time that
congestion is a very common symptom
of pregnancy. Although I think that I'm
getting over a cold, that was an interesting
thing to learn. I read it in two books at
the bookstore today - not in the ones
I already have. Isn't there one book that
has everything?