Bullshit Positive Crap - Levels #5

Okay, first I have to say thank you to everyone for your amazing on-Babyfruit and off-blog support - I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear everyone's perspectives so I'm not trapped in the vortex of my own incessant brain babble.

Now, I must warn you that any positive things you may say at this time will fill me with absolute rage, but go ahead, do whatever you want. This is a free country.

I was going to blog earlier this morning to say I think something was not going right but decided to take the positive road less travelled rather than revert to pessimistic yet humorous snarkiness.

Today's levels are 3491. Monday's were 1901.
Progesterone was fine at 30.1 so guess that isn't the problem.

Now before you go on about "well, the hCG almost doubled" or "that sure is close to doubling," read my #5 hCG post from my previous pregnancy that took place three weeks before I miscarriaged for the fourth time.

Almost doubling is not good enough. My new doctor says that just because it doesn't double once isn't cause for alarm - to hang in there and not write things off, just wait until the next levels. Of course, last pregnancy (and the one before and the one before that) showed the same wimpy non-doubling levels around this same time - see #6 hCG post from April 2005. Been there, done that.

In fact, let's together re-live the less-than-doubling world of my hCG from last time:

New Rules of hCG - Remember the ludicrous new rule I was told that the levels don't have to double but only be at least 90% of doubling? They pulled that one out of their ass as my levels ebbed.

Mental Breakdown at the ER - The lovely experience once I knew my levels SUCKED but the damn hospital that was supposed to give me a sonogram to confirm non-viability did not believe me.

Limbo Land for Miscarrying Women - And let's not forget the runaround I kept getting with sonogram after sonogram trying to determine what I already knew. I was miscarrying, dammit.

How can this time be different? How can anyone tell me things will be okay? How can I have faith or even a smattering of false hope?

Wouldn't it be so excellent and freaky and insane if by next week, I'm actually still pregnant and everything starts looking really positive with powerhouse hCG numbers coming out of the woodwork and something in the sonogram that truly resembles the appropriate development for the stage I'm supposedly at, and we can all look at this post and throw our heads back, laughing heartily, me farting accidentally, and I'd say "Gosh, I sure was a hysterical wreck last week, wasn't I?"

Why can't I buy into that fantasy?