Are We Conceiving Yet?

I'd love to hear from Babyfruit lurkers and regulars alike - are you conceiving yet? Where are you in your quest for baby? What have you tried? Is adoption looking like the way you want to go? Inquiring minds want to know.

Right now, I'm a Misbehaving Miscarrying Woman, at least I'm not following all the rules.

I'm playing Russian Roulette with G.'s sperm, those strong swimming, pregnancy-inducing soldiers. We went condom-free during what should have been my Prime Time (give or take a day or a month due to the Ovary Cyst Invasion) - and what if I do get pregnant? Getting pregnant was never my problem, but maybe it will be now and I have nothing to worry about.

My main worry is that I'm being haphazard about this - I am not on the aggressive and pro-active 10 Step Plan for holding onto a pregnancy. I'm just doing this reproductive crap shoot. And then what? I have no plan. Bad, Miscarrying Woman, Bad.

But I did do a good thing today. I had my first shot of Wheatgrass juice. Just like a shot of freshly mowed lawn with a slightly bitter after taste. Mmmmm, mmmmm, good. Washed it down with a banana shake with flax seed oil, lecithan and assorted other health nut goodies. Then had a macrobiotic lunch of brown rice, grilled veggies and tofu.

Now will I be able to maintain this wholesome goodness or will I fall off the wagon with the Yellowtail Shiraz and Dagoda Chocolate sitting on my kitchen counter? Resisting wine and chocolate may be futile.

Miscarriage Melancholia

I'm clearly in a funk or some phase of miscarriage melancholia. Here are 10 reasons I may be in a funk...

1. I might be paranoid but it seems that when I make a joke about pregnant women or female reproductive health in my usual sarcastic way, everyone looks at me with pity or with that deer-in-the-headlights look that seems to say "What am I supposed to do now? Laugh? Cluck sympathetically? Excuse myself to the bathroom to avoid dealing with this miscarriage shit?"

2. I started my period last night. I know I'm supposed to start my period because I was on The Pill for a month to reduce the cysts in my ovaries and have finished the pack, but it is really a let-down to bleed.

3. I have to get my ovaries checked on Monday, and I'm not at all confident that the Monster Cysts are gone. I wish I had faith, even blind faith, that everything would be okay, but I'm not wired that way.

4. I'm comfortable, even happy with my decision not to get pregnant for a while, to take a reproductive breather. But I'm also feeling like a quitter, a failure, a loser. Talk about a contradiction. I know I'm doing the right thing right now for my head, but my heart has mixed feelings.

5. I think my perimenopausal symptoms are getting much more pronounced, each one screaming "Your Time Is Running Out!" I try to ignore them, but they won't let me.

6. I'm having really bad dreams at night and actually sweating. I've heard of night sweats and wonder if that is what I'm having. I wake up drenched and smelling foul. Maybe this is another perimenopausal symptom. Welcome to Middle Age.

7. Everywhere I look is another pregnant woman.

8. Everywhere I look is another baby.

9. I just heard that a woman I know - around my age - is going to have to get a hysterectomy because of uterine fibroids, the same thing her mother had. At first, I had that shameful feeling of relief that it wasn't me going through it. Then I remembered that this was the same thing my mother had. So besides realizing I'm going to hell for thinking "Thank God it isn't me," I'm also going to have the same thing happen to me at any moment. For all I know, the fibroids are growing as I type this.

10. This may seem totally unrelated, but I don't think anything is unrelated. I'm thinking about September 11th. Where were you on September 11th?

Articles: Miscarriage in the News

I'm being productive after neglecting Babyfruit and miscarriage blogging for a few days. Here are some recent articles about miscarriage.

PGD May Ease Miscarriage Risk After IVF in Older Patients - Women over age 35 who've experienced repeat miscarriage may be able to ease their risk of having another pregnancy loss following in vitro fertilization (IVF) by having their embryos tested for genetic abnormalities before they're transferred to begin a pregnancy. That's the conclusion of a group of reproductive endocrinologists and geneticists who studied the value of using a procedure known as preimplantation genetic diagnosis, or PGD, before embryo transfer. Their study is published in the August issue of the journal Fertility and Sterility. [READ MORE...] My comments: Damn, what, more tests!?

Docs Question Tap Water's Link to Miscarriage - At odds with other research, a new study is suggesting that drinking tap water poses only a slight risk of having a miscarriage, if at all.1 The study was sponsored by the American Water Works Association (AWWA) Research Foundation and the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). [READ MORE...] My comments: Yet another thing to worry about.

Pregnant women 'starved of information - A survey of 1,500 women for National Pregnancy Week found that more than eight out of 10 (84%) women said their GP did not give them enough information in the first three months of pregnancy. According to 66% of women surveyed, fear of problems with the baby and worries about miscarrying make this the most stressful part of pregnancy. [READ MORE...] My comments: Why does the UK come out with more studies and information and publish more articles about miscarriage than the US?

Lack of iodine linked to poor births - Mothers are being warned they could miscarry or have babies born with low intelligence due to a lack of iodine, an element vital for growth and brain development in unborn and newborn babies. [READ MORE...] My comments: Why does Australia come out with more studies and information and publish more articles about miscarriage than the US?

Baby joy after seven IVF treatments - A 50-year-old woman who suffered seven miscarriages and two ovarian tumours has finally given birth to a baby boy. Val Backhouse, from Pontefract, West Yorkshire, gave birth to Alex Reece after spending £21,000 on seven IVF courses. [READ MORE...] My comments: Hmmm...does this give me hope or freak me out? Can't decide.

Dozens of women seek information on found fetuses - ozens of women who had abortions or miscarried at a Pittsburgh hospital have contacted the Allegheny County Coroner's Office to see whether their fetuses were among 300 discovered in a residential garage last week. [READ MORE...] My comments: Okay, this definitely freaks me out.

Music Helps Women Find Healing after Miscarriages - For weeks after her first miscarriage, the only notes that could escape the throat of liturgical music minister Monica Perz-Waddington belonged to the traditional Quaker tune "How Can I Keep from Singing?" Calling this effort "somewhat of a lament and an affirmation at the same time," Perz-Waddington used this song to surface from underneath her "rock" of depression. [READ MORE...] My comments: Must follow freaky article with a positive one.

Celebrity Baby Blog: Calgon Take Me Away!

Link: Celebrity Baby Blog.

Thoughts from a Woman 3 Months After Miscarriage...

Everywhere I look, there are babies, babies and more babies.

Britney held her belly on the cover of PEOPLE.

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck were captured kissing, his hand on her bump. (And Jen is into prenatal yoga).

Angelina and Brad are wanting to "adopt many many babies." (And Jennifer Aniston is pissed off about it.)

Courteney and David are wanting another baby - preferably a boy this time.

Cindy Crawford is considering another child (she turns 40 in February).

Gretchen Mol is pregnant.

Michelle Williams is pregnant by Heath Ledger (now am I envying her pregnancy more or the fact that she had sex with Heath Ledger?).

Tia Carrere is nearing the end of her pregnancy.

Heidi Klum's belly dropped. Maybe she's already had her baby by now.

Even Melissa Joan Hart is preggers.

Michelle Branch recently gave birth (isn't she, like, 21 years old?)

I think I'm looking at tabloids at the supermarket and reading too much Celebrity Baby Blog again...