pink lines...again

It is offical - or as official as a cheap Home Pregnancy Test will confirm at the moment.

I'm pregnant again.

My period is 4 days late. I did my best not to obsess over dates and did an HPT on what should have been Day 1 of my cycle. It was negative.

So the HPT test taken today was the first positive one because I refrained from taking any more tests for a few days, drank a little wine, acted as if nothing was unusual, actually thinking that not having my period was the end of the end of my fertile reproductive life.

This is Pregnancy #5 or #6, depending on if you count the chemical pregnancy.

Let's face it - after the FSH levels at 22.5 or some such ridiculous number and my own reproductive endocrinologist confessing that she wasn't sure that I should try again, I was of the mind that pregnancy was no longer in the cards for me.

Then again, getting pregnant has simply never been an issue. And, true to form, the first time we try after the Monster Cyst Incidents proves to be successful - at least in the positive HPT department.

I had mixed feelings before about getting pregnant without doing the aggressive 10 Step Plan including the estrogen suppositories and progesterone and Lovenox, so I have been in this frame of mind that "nothing is going to happen" with the occasional "what if something happens I'm a freaking idiot for being so careless" thoughts.

And here I am - with two lines, albeit one faint yet visible to the naked eye and to the pragmatic husband.

"Yes, that is a double line," he announced as I strained and squinted to make the faint line darker so it would seem more definitive, more certain.

Called Dr. J, my ER, who had me come in immediately to take my blood. hCG levels and progesterone levels will be in within a few hours.

Yes, I will be taking Lovenox, starting this evening. Injections every day, possibly for the rest of the pregnancy - that is, if I remain pregnant this FIFTH or SIXTH time.

How do I feel? Exhausted, a little dizzy, and looking at this kernel of emotion that should be excitement and watching it pulsate but refuse to expand. I'm in Happiness Denial.